Chances that form choices

The photo above is the same view I see from my window every single night for two months now. It is the same view I fell in love with and now ready to say goodbye to.

Life decisions could be the death of anyone. The moment one becomes a rational being who knows the difference between small and big, red and blue, right and wrong, that is when you start to make decisions for yourself. That is when you start to choose your own favors and hatreds. You start to become blind of what is there, because you keep on looking out for more. You search for that endless pleasing sensation you have been longing for, thinking you will never ever find it.

I thought of the reasons why I ran away from my previous okay life to search for the possibility of something better, and there is only one reason that came to my mind, discontentment. Just as what they always say, “you can never have too much of your <insert the thing that you can never have too much of>.” Mine is career, because I am a high-achiever. I wanted to become the most influential person in the world, at least in my country. Then the filth of Philippine Media held me tight I wanted to let go, thinking that I may never be able to get what I want if I always follow the rules. So I left.

I fell in love in this place of dreams, where the lights seemed so near. I soared up high, but then a plane of bad luck, feebleness and non-tolerance hit me. I was once a high-achiever, and then I became I loser, because I believed too much on myself, what I can do and that thin line of luck that was always there. I have looked too much on that shining star that I did not manage to see where I was stepping, and then I tripped and never saw that shining star again.

Now, I spent good two months for nothing, wasted my precious time, savings and the wealth of a very reliable sponsor who I now owe a big amount of debt. I wanted to sleep and never wake up, how I wished I was gone. I wanted all of it to be a long, lifeless dream that I could wake up from. But life is not Adobe Photoshop. It is one big graphic art that cannot be undone. I lost every possibility I would have if I did not choose this. But my choices led me to where I am now.

So I realized, maybe, no, indeed, I am the kind of person who should not think and decide for own self. For when thou happens, I fall into a pit of doom and darkness. That place with shattered dreams and self esteem-less memories. Now what? I say what. What always happens, life. What should one do when you fall? Rise up. I do not know if I ever will, but I ever will try. Harder, this time.

Carefree

It’s been a long time since I’ve last embraced the formula of words and meanings, and as much as I hate to admit it, my hands have been longing for this day to finally arrive after months of harassing myself into something I still don’t get the hang of. Believe me, I have been imagining myself, for the endless time, sitting on an old coffee shop, pretending not to observe how lame people dress these days, listening to odd music of artists I recognize but don’t really understand, drinking a cup of hot chocolate and still wondering why I love being on coffee shops even if I get sick just by the smell of coffee, stammering on the next thought of what to write next.
The big plus one added up to the numbers everyone wrote a lot, especially on the upper right corner of yellow pads and grade 4 papers, but still, no sign of what road to take. However you might put it, by my age, everyone undergoes the same damn thing on the same normal process of post-teen-gency, goals. Career. Ambitions. Dreams. Purpose. Just when you think and come up to the conclusion that you have done everything to deserve to somehow find that line where you have to cross to reach that thing you have been wanting to know all your life, a sudden mishap crashed on your face and breaks everything else you have worked your ass for.
After a number of disputes with yourself, you find out that you have been doing the wrong things even then, and then you start back at one.
If having extremely awful and painful mistakes can take you to where you want to be, and then I will be happy taking that road down to hell to finally get to my heaven, even on my own. It might be hard to do, but everyone needs to be in that dangerous place to take risks, like bungee jumping or cliff diving, symbolically. I envy those who have the courage to make mistakes, to admit to them that making unacceptable errors are fun, and will make them a better person, or at least make them someone.
The infinity of this world makes it even smaller to finally decide on what you want to do. There are just too many things to do to even try to know that one thing, the one thing that will make you finally realize that you have done it, and that you will always be happy that you stepped out of the ladder to give in that okay into something even better. When it is just you and your thing, and nothing else matters.

Movie Review: The Rite (6/10)

“Does a thief or a burglar turn on the lights while he’s robbing your house? No. He prefers you to believe that he’s not there, like the devil,” a strong proposition given by the movie about belief, Christianity and faith in God. Mikael Hafstrom’s ‘The Rite’ is a supernatural thriller film that scares the hell out of people who believes in exorcism. The story took place in one of the holiest place on Earth, Italy. Veteran actor Anthony Hopkins starred as Father Lucas Trevant, a priest that specializes on exorcism. He is visited by a seminarian, Michael Kovak, played by actor Colin O’Donoghue. Moreover, the known actor Ciarán Hinds together with Alice Braga, and Marta Gastini made the movie somehow, believable.

The story goes as Michael Kovak, struggled with losing faith as he joined the Seminary for him to not continue the work of his father, a funeral director. Michael, as his mother died, started to question his faith in God and his religious beliefs are then cluttered when he unwillingly performed confession rituals to a lady and later on saw her die in a car accident. The priest in the Seminary and his mentor wanted him to regain his Christianity that he ordered him to take an exorcism course in Italy. While attending class, he met Father Xavier whom he showed how cynic he is by questioning an exorcism victim’s recorded voice the Father showed the class. Father Xavier then sends him to a renowned exorcist, Father Lucas who performs strange ways to release people out of the devil’s prison. Michael witnessed Father Lucas through performing a rite to a sixteen year-old pregnant girl, Rosario and young boy who’s pillow seems to be possessed. Father Lucas showed Michael different people with their demonic possessions and how to deal with them but he remained unconvinced and thought of Father Lucas as a performer of tricks to gain money. At the latter part of the story, Rosario gave in to the devil’s omen and died. The devil finds another victim as Father Lucas then started to lose faith for failing Rosario. Michael was the only hope to help Father Lucas but he must find a way to fully believe in the devil and learn how to regain his Christianity back.

Anthony Hopkins is still a great actor. He did his part very well and he even acted so good that he brought up the whole movie. Imagine his role being done by other actors, the movie will not be known at all. His acting was brilliant that the other characters in the movie were made to be there. Colin O’Donoghue on the other hand, did not really put up to his character. Being the lead role, he must be believable, the way he interacts with the demon in the latter part of the movie is not convincing at all. There are no emotions in the eyes, any fear or hatred at all. The child who played young Michael is even better than Colin O’Donoghue. Speaking of child actors, the actress who played Rosario, Marta Gastini gave an outstanding performance in giving out a possessed pregnant woman. She outran the previous young actresses who were possessed in the cliché of Exorcist films.

The cinematography is something to talk about. There are some aspects of the film which is not really necessary to give out an idea to viewers. Come on, red-eyed horse? There are even better symbolisms for that. The big perfect-pointed nails are a good representation of demonic possessions as they were signs of Christ’s suffering. The set design is kind of odd where the upper story of Father Lucas’s house is a room for defeating demons, and a chair in the middle of the room is even weirder than the position of the room itself. Thinking of it, a bed is always the material for exorcism where the victim is tied up and the bed moves in different directions or floats, so the chair is something different, something new. Some of the characters are oddly presented like the child who was said to be talking to the demon, plague of frogs are shown to present demonic creatures. Another character is Alex Braga playing Angeline, an Italian journalist who wants to cover a story about exorcism, which turned out to be just an extra to have someone beside a lead role, not a leading lady, but a counterpart, to give the story hope in the end.

The movie is scary, alright. It did not fail to do that, become a horror film that viewers will, in a way, pinch them out of. Some might also think that the movie is an atrocity, which some believe is not. It does not necessarily shake the Christianity out of viewers for it ended up in a manner that gives out what it intended to. The movie is something, definitely. It will not be a waste of time to watch The Rite. Children will surely be scared of the horror scenes, I guess not of the red-eyed donkey slash horse. The movie, overall, is just another addition to the circle of Exorcism movies with a touch of Paranormal Activity-ness.

Overall rating: 6/10

Hurt yourself, it will heal you

February 13, 2009

 

Is it really a natural way of things for people to actually hurt themselves? I don’t know about you, but I do that too, I think majority of normal people do too.

A week ago, I was riding a van on my way to school while listening to radio, I don’t know what station was that, or what the radio program was, or who were those people talking and all, or what their topic for that particular segment was.

Anyway, a guy then said something about the movie ‘Marley and Me’ (which I watched yesterday), that made him cry out and be miserable the whole day after, (which is what happened to me too after I watched the movie). Then he suddenly nag with the other guy about people being complete idiots knowing something is painful and still wanting to track it.

You already know what was coming and you know, wit included, that it will hurt your feelings, and yet, you still go for it, you even chase it rather than letting it get to you.

Then just now, I realized, IT IS TRUE.

Example is the movie; the guy in the radio already said that the movie will indeed make you miserable, if you love dogs I mean, and I still watched it. Am I silly or what. I know the ending will give way for my tears to come out, but I still watched the freakin’ movie. To make myself cry? I don’t think so.

People, especially Filipinos love dramas, what’s the origin of that, we do not know. We continue to watch dramas, movie or TV shows, that we know will make us cry but we still watch it. Some people even replay dramas over and over again and go out crying over and over again.

Another one, you keep on looking and looking on your boo’s friendster account, going on and on glancing at all the uploaded pictures, knowing that the person already has someone else. You know what you’ll see when you stream through the account, and still go for it, then be hurt, or cry, or be sad the whole day. Dumbness to the maximum level.

When you have a problem, you say it to all your friends, you message other people to comfort you and remind you of the very same thing that made you suffer. Then you go on doing it again, tell it to someone, make someone comfort you and then you remembered it again, you got hurt again, and again, and again, and again. Ironic.

So let’s get back to the problem: Why do people tend to hurt themselves, when they can actually avoid it? Some even linger the pain.

People want to cry to ease the ache. EASE? Well, some will say that it’s indeed natural. I guess that’s the only explanation I’ve got here, that it’s psychologically natural to feel that. We cry to lessen our burden, to express the hurt we feel, to make it go away. I guess that’s what you’ll say too.

Oh well, I watch dramas then cry, I replay dramas, I listen to sad songs and cry, I go through his photos and hurt myself with the sweetness of my invisibility to him, I tell a percent of the world my problems and cry over and over again, I leave hurtful things be, then I cry. You cry too? You do some of these too, do you?

You might even want to watch ‘Marley and Me’, after reading this.

STIRIBIRIMBAPBAP: SULATIN NG ISANG GALIT

July 24, 2008 nang maranasan ko ang isang di inaasahang pangyayari na dahilan ng mga nagwawalang aktibista sa Sta. Rosa Laguna. Sinulat ko ang susunod niyong mababasa noong araw na iyon bunga ng aking nag-aaalab na damdamin.

***

 

Palakpak. *Stiribirimbapbap.

Sa sobrang galit ko, nakapagsulat ako ng tagalog na blog. Wala naman sigurong masama, demokratikong bansa naman. Stiribirimbapbap lang kasi talaga.

Simula pa lang ng araw, ang saya saya ko na dahil sa sakit ng ulo, tiyan at dalawang paa. Stiribirimbapbap ang mga drayber ng dyip at traysikel yan, araw ng Huwebes, nagsipag-strike lahat. Wow ha! Anong trip nila?

Alas-7 ng umaga ang una sa tatlong klase ko ngayong araw na ito, sa kasamaang palad [pero natutuwa ako dahil makakapagpahinga ang bulsa ko], hindi ako nakapasok. Bakit? Dahil Stiribirimbapbap ng mga aktibistang ‘yan!

Pati mga traysikel drayber nag-strike daw. Naglakad ako mula bahay namin hanggang sa labas ng subdivision kung saan ako maaaring makasakay ng dyip. Kasabay ng pagsikat ng araw ang pag-init ng ulo ko. Stiribirimbapbap talaga.

Pagdating ko sa sakayan ng dyip, walang kahit isang Stiribirimbapbap na dyip ang pumapasada. Strike din pala nila. Stiribirimbapbap din pala nila. Nagbayad ako ng 35 piso sa isang traysikel para ihatid ako sa sakayan papuntang Dasmariñas, at nakarating naman ako sa terminal.

Pagtapos ng halos isa’t kalahating oras ng paghihintay, wala pa ring pasahero ang colorum na van na sinasakyan ko. Tapos na ang unang klase ko, kalahati na ng ikalawang klase ko, at pag bumyahe ako, late pa ang dating ko sa huling klase ko. Stiribirimbapbap. Hindi na ako pumasok.

Stiribirimbapbap talaga dahil naglakad na naman ako sa muling pagkakataon, hanggang nakakita ako ng dyip. Takbo. Takbo. “Last trip ko na ‘to!” sabi ng drayber, Stiribirimbapbap din pala siya, makikisali sa strike. Pero nakarating naman ako sa tapat ng subdivision namin.

Maglalakad na sana ako pauwi, at may mabait na dyipni drayber ang nagsabing, “Ate! Sabay ka na!” hanggang sa tapat ng aming bahay dahil madadaanan naman niya ito. Tuwang tuwa ako. Sumakay ako. Sumakay rin ang ibang mga taong pauwi sa kani-kanilang mga tahanan.

Pagdating sa guard house ng dyip, lumapit ang mga Stiribirimbapbap na mga traysikel drayber. Pinababa kaming mga pinagkawang-gawaan. “Strike ‘ho naming ngayon! Bawal ‘ho yan! Bumaba kayo diyan kung hindi mabubutas ang gulong ng dyip na to at madadamay pa si kuya!” Nagalit kaming mga pasahero. Stiribirimbapbap nila!

“Anong gusto niyo?! Maglakad kami hanggang Phase 1?!” Sigaw ng isang ale. Walang bumababa sa amin. Nakita kong may isang mamang kukuha na ng mga pako. Stiribirimbapbap. Tumayo ako at bumaba. Sumunod naman sila. Pagbaba ko, sumigaw ako, “MANONG! ANO ‘HO BANG TRIP NIYO?! MAGTAAS NA LANG ‘HO KAYO NG PAMASAHE KAYSA GANITONG PARE-PAREHO TAYONG NAHIHIRAPAN! KAYO RIN NAMAN ‘HO WALANG KITA EH!”

Oo. Stiribirimbapbap. Galit na ako ng mga panahong iyon kaya ako sumigaw. Sinundan ng isang ale, “Nako! Huwag ng sakyan yang mga gagong iyan. Wala ng magta-traysikel kahit kailan!” Natahimik naman ang lahat. At ako? Naglakad na pauwi. Stiribirimbapbap talaga. Sa totoo lang, malapit lang naman ang bahay ko sa labasan ng subdivision ‘eh. Iniisip ko lang ‘yung mga taga-Phase 1 pa.

Stiribirimbapbap talaga. Nakakainis sila. Ano bang mapapala nila?! Sabi pa, CALABARZON lang daw ang strike at hindi nationwide. Stiribirimbapbap talaga! Sa palagay nila pakikinggan sila ng gobyerno? Asa pa! Gusto ko tuloy mag-strike sa mga nag-strike! Kaya lang hindi kasi ako aktibista. Lintik na bansa talaga to ‘oh. Paano naman tayo uunlad niyan. Stiribirimbapbap. Stiribirimbapbap.

 

Oo nga pala. *Stiribirimbapbap: Putangina.

 

Nagkakamali ka, ikaw ay nagkakamali

Published: Heraldo Filipino, Official Student Publication of De La Salle University-Dasmarinas, Opinions Page, Volume 1, A.Y. 2010-2011

 

Ito na marahil ang una at huling column na maisusulat ko para sa publikasyong halos apat na taon kong minahal at pinagpaguran. Pero sana mali ako. Nakakatuwa kasi ngayon lang ako nabigyan ng blank space para ilagay ang mga basurang laman ng isip ko sa page 7 ng dyaryong hawak mo.

Minsan nagkakamali tayo. Akala natin alam na natin ang lahat ng mga ginagawa natin. Akala natin, maayos ang lahat, na wala tayong nasasaktan, akala natin masaya tayo, pero hindi, nagkamali pala tayo.

Tanong: nakagawa ka na ba ng pagkakamali? Malamang, oo ang sagot mo kasi sabi nila lahat daw ng tao nagkakamali. Ano ang pinakamalaking pagkakamaling nagawa mo sa buhay mo? Kung ako ang tatanungin, sa totoo lang, ang pinakamalaking pagkakamaling ginawa ko sa buhay ko ay ang natakot akong gumawa ng pagkakamali.

Sabi ng ilang mga taong tunay na nakakakilala sa akin, may pagka-perfectionist/O.C. daw ako. Ayaw ko lang ng nagkakamali, kasi nakakapanghina. Sa pangkaraniwang tao, ang pagkakamali ay motivation. Sa tuwing nagkakamali ako, ayaw ko na. Siguro hindi lang talaga ako pangkaraniwan. Natuto kasi akong mag-bike ng hindi sumesemplang, kaya siguro ako lumaking ganito. At kung katulad kita, apir, magsama tayo sa pagkakamaling ‘to, at sabay tayong magbago.

Kailangan ng mamulat na tayo sa katotohanang normal lamang ang magkamali. At kung magkatotoo man na sa taong 2012, magugunaw na ang mundo, gugustuhin mo bang mangyari ‘yun nang hindi mo pa naitatama ang lahat? Mayroon akong ilang mga bagay na nais ko sanang ibahagi sa iyo.

Una, ayaw nating magkamali. Sino ba naman ang gustong magkamali? Pero kung hindi mo gustong magkamali, tapos nagkamali ka, paano mo matatanggap ang pagkakamali mo kung sa simula pa lang ay hindi ka na naniniwalang may kakayahan kang magkamali? Sayo magsisimula ang lahat.

Pangalawa, hindi tayo marunong tumanggap ng pagkakamali. Kahit nakaparada na sa harapan mo ang bunga ng pagkakamali mo, hindi mo pa rin matanggap. Alam mo, walang ibang tatanggap ng pagkakamali mo kung hindi ikaw rin. Tao tayo. Kung hindi mo matanggap na kaya mong magkamali, hindi mo rin tanggap na tao ka.

At ang panghuli, kailangan nating malaman na ang lahat ng pagkakamali ay oportunidad. Oportunidad ang mga ‘yan para may i-tama, may baguhin, may ayusin, may matutunan.

Ito ang ilan sa mga sinabi ng mga mabubuting tao nang tanungin ko sila kung anong dapat gawin sa isang pagkakamali. Sabi nila: “harapin mo, pagkatiwalaan mo, solusyonan mo, tawanan mo”.

Harapin mo. Nagkamali ka sa iyong kaibigan, magulang, minamahal, harapin mo, huwag mong takbuhan dahil mas lalaki ang problema.

Pagkatiwalaan mo. Siguro ang labo ng pagtitiwala sa isang pagkakamali para sayo. Basta magtiwala ka na may magandang maidudulot ang pagkakamali mo.

Solusyonan mo. Haharapin mo nga pero nakaharap ka lang, wala ka rin ginawa. Syempre kilos pa rin. Aminin mong nagkamali ka, tapos aksyon para sa solusyon.

Tawanan mo. Dahil nalagpasan mo, wala ka ng ibang gagawin kung hindi tawanan ito. Maaaring literal ang pagtawa pero, sa aspetong pang-matalino, ang ibig sabihin nito ay move on. Hindi naman maganda kung mabubuhay ka na lang sa loob ng pagkakamali. Tawanan lang natin ang mga ‘yan at tigil-tigilan na ang pagiging mapait. Ipagpatuloy mo na ang buhay kasabay ng mga natutunan mo dito. Maaaring nasaktan ka sa mga pagkakamaling nagawa mo pero ang dami mo pang maaring gawin pagkatapos nito. Duwag lang ang titigil pagtapos ng isang pagkakamali. Duwag ka ba?

Sabi nga nila, “experience is the best teacher,” Sabi din ni Oscar Wilde, “experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes,” kaya kung ilalagay natin sa aspetong pang-algebra na:

If a=b and b=c, therefore, a=c; where a=best teacher, b=experience, c=mistakes.

Ang ending nun, quote naman na sinabi ni Ralph Nader na “your best teacher is your last mistake.” Nalito ka lang no? Ako din ‘eh.

Sige na, alam kong naintindihan mo ang nais kong iparating. Kadalasan kasi problema ang ending ng pagkakamali hindi ba? Basta tandaan mo ito, sabi ng isang kaibigan kong matalik na nakatira sa Tondo, “ang problema, dinadaanan ‘yan, hindi tinatambayan.”

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Kung may sagot o mungkahi kayo sa aking artikulong alam kong hindi kagandahan, maari niyo akong maabot sa pamamagitan ng elektronikong sulat na nakalagay sa tabi ng aking di-kagandahang litrato. Maraming salamat po.

You’re Welcome, Earth

Published: Heraldo Filipino, Official Student Publication of De La Salle University-Dasmarinas, Opinions Page, Volume 5, A.Y. 2010-2011

 

If you have read my first column, I said that might be my last. Oh look, it is not. Thank you for the opportunity HF most especially Mr. H., this should be your spot. I therefore dedicate this column to you and to our fellow graduates.

***

      I know after that long journey in college, everyone is wondering where we will be going. It is not actually a hard question. It is just a matter of outlook. How you look at different things, different people, different events, will dictate your life. We all want to succeed in life, to finally fulfill our dreams and to be what the people we love want us to be.

Towards our next journey, the thing called life, we should always remember to not only succeed on our own, but to succeed with the world. Remember, you are a part of something somewhere, and you should at least contribute something to the world, how effortful or effortless it may be.

With that I will share this thought I heard one Sunday night from the homily of a priest whose name I do not know. He said that there are 3 things that we should do before we die. I actually have my own list, and believe me, there are no less than 10 items in there, but this one is simpler yet more significant. It is as uncomplicated as planting a tree, writing a book, and having a family. These may not make you famous, but they might leave your legacy to the world.

Plant a tree. It may sound stupid, but you will never know how much you have helped Earth. The end-of-the-world matter may now seem a cliché, but we will never know, you know. A tree can last a lifetime, and that tree could be your tree. Go and participate to a tree planting or pledge to United Nations’ The Billion Tree Program to add the next one to the 11,518,515,346 trees planted or even as easy as digging a hole in your backyard to put a seed on. However you want it, it will help a lot through ways you can never imagine. Plant a tree, and leave something for the environment.

Write a book. Writing a book would seem impossible for some. “I don’t write,” you’ll say. But did we imagine rock star, Steven Tyler writing? He did and now there is ‘Does the noise in my head bothering you?’ published recently. Anyone can write, and you have your lifetime to do it. Write something significant, something that would help someone.Write a book and extend your reach to the world. Write a book that will go places. At the least, your book will travel to places you’ve never gone. Write a book and leave something to mankind.

Have a family. Yes, by that I mean a family of your own. Time will come, you have done everything you wanted, you have worked for money, you have invested for properties, you have drank all the beer you wanted, and you will finally feel that you want to start a family of your own. Live life, wait for the one, the person you will be ready to live the rest of your life with, marry that person in the house of the Father, give birth to a kid or more, educate them, love them, tell them to plant a tree, read your book or write one and give you grandkids. You will never know how great your children can be someday. Have a family of your own, and leave something worthy for the future.

Those may not be the only things you can do. You can be anyone you want to be. You can still do great things whoever you may be. A call center representative is not lower than an account executive. Everyone is the same for we all look at the same sky.

So stop wondering and start wandering. Things don’t just fall into places, they find their way there. Go find yours. Succeed in life and with these 3 things, you can die and proudly say, “You’re welcome, Earth.”

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If you have something to say to the writer, need advice or just someone to talk to, feel free to send a message to the electronic mail address above. I know she’ll reply back. Thank you for the time.